Showing Off

Why do people have a need to show off what they got? Is it to make others jealous? I really don’t get it especially when it comes to men. Why do women have the need to show off their men in front of friends or even enemies. I have done this before also and I don’t understand why we have the need to be greedy and say, “Oh look what I have, bet you wish you had it.”. I’ve been in this situation multiple times.

Why can’t we just be happy for other people? Let them make their own life choices that will make them happy. I just want to be happy for myself and happy for my ex. I feel whats holding me back for thinking that my ex isn’t happy is the thought that I know he can do so much better, but yet even by knowing this I flaunt my own new relationship in his face. I show off something so much better than he was, but yet still expect him to be happy and myself to be happy.

Doing this over and over again really doesn’t help the situation. It honestly just brews up more drama, but yet everyone continues do it. I mean they probably don’t realize that they do it. One way people are always showing off their men is making them their MCM aka Man Candy Monday then proceed to write some heartfelt message about them even though the other person writing it probably doesn’t feel any love for them yet. They just do it to make their ex jealous and probably others mad.

This just really upsets me…. let me know what you guys think

*proceeds to drink coffee and think about life*

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Lifesaving Poems: Edna St. Vincent Millay’s ‘Time does not bring relief’

Anthony Wilson

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Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year’s bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,—so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, “There is no memory of him here!”
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)

Sitting in its frame on the office wall of a colleague, the poem caught my eye during a meeting. How many times had I seen it? Five? Twenty? A hundred?…

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When James Came into My Life

I met James on POF aka Plenty Of Fish. If you haven’t heard of Plenty Of Fish it’s an online dating website. I got the app to distract me from my ex boyfriend Allen. I just wanted someone to talk to and someone to understand what I was going trough. I ran into a lot of weird people on POF, but I also ran into someone that I connected with. Someone who knew what I was going through and was willing to help me through it and that someone was James.

James was not only interested in me becoming his significant other, but he was willing to be my best friend first and help me through my breakup. I also had other life problems going on at the time that he helped me with as well. James is a patient man, because in the beginning I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be with him and he let me take a week off without any judgement behind it from him.

During that week I really needed time to think. I needed to think if I really wanted to be in another relationship, because I was done with the bull shit, and the lies from men. I just didn’t want to be hurt again. I didn’t want to be another victim of heartbreak. After that week when I was out at dinner with friends and family ….. I messaged him ….

I know messaging him wasn’t the proper way to do it, but I actually missed him. I knew if I actually missed him than I had feelings for him. Somewhere deep in my heart I was willing to love again. I’m still trying to figure out these feelings of love, but I do have something for James I’m just not sure yet. I can’t figure out if my mind is playing tricks on me and trying to fill Allen’s empty spot or am I really in love with James…

Beyond that point of my crazy mind. James is a great man. He makes me feel special in every way that he can. He even drives three hours to come see me every other weekend. He buys me flowers all the time and he even takes me on amazing dates. We also have long conversations on the phone, a good sex life, and we hardly ever fight. Taking all these great things in why do I still care about ex? James has provided everything I ever wanted and much more. Still I sit here and pretend not to care about Allen.

I feel like I’m stuck in a landslide and I don’t know what to do……

Meet Allen…..

Allen and I met almost three years back. We were both still in high school and we both had one class together. The moment we met we hit it off immediately. It was like we had been BFF’s for years. Every single day we would talk to each other it could be about anything and we would spill the beans. It actually got so bad that our teacher would start to get angry at us for talking so much and also Allen would always come to the side of the room where I was sitting and block the isle way for our teacher to check our home work.

Well anyway one day in class we were talking and he seemed sort of off. I wasn’t sure why and I remember every time I would bring up the question “Are you okay?” he would shrug it off and forcefully reply with yes. As each day led on I finally figured out was wrong by one of my friends. Apparently Krista was seeing him. I found this to be extremely odd and it also frightened me a little. The reason why is that one thing to know about Krista is that she will always be hung up on her ex and her pattern with men and relationships are awful. For instance I remember before Krista and I started hanging out again I seen first hand how she handled men and it was as follows her ex, then booty call, and then back to ex again. I knew she was not good for Allen, but it didn’t seem like I could stop it….

A few days down the road Krista and I are hanging out. I remember being in her car and we are driving down the road. She was confessing to me how she was missing her ex, which no shocker there, and how she didn’t want to see Allen again. The only problem with this picture is that Allen was in love with her almost border line obsessed and this made me sort of scared of dating him. The only thing is he was my best friend and I didn’t want to see him get hurt, because I was seeing what she was doing to him. She was making him see that he had a chance when reality he didn’t. She then proceeded to tell me I need your help in getting him away from me, because he keeps hitting me up and I don’t want to be with him…… So I did…

I remember trying everyday to convince him she didn’t want to be with him, but he wasn’t falling for it. He was in love with her. I remember from that day forward I seen my best friend start to diminish. He started talking to me less and staying held up in his room. He was experiencing suicidal thoughts and experimenting with cutting just so he didn’t have to deal with the pain. I was lost in words when I found this out. From that day forward when I found out I started helping him. I started talking to him again even if he tried to avoid me, I started cracking jokes and telling him funny stories from my past just to see him smile again. I mean I cared about him and I still do in a way. He was finally turning back to normal after she left him alone. I had my best friend back, but the story doesn’t stop there….

He starts talking to another chick that didn’t give two shits about him, but I’ll leave that story for another time.

Fast Forward……

Allen and I start dating after that. In the beginning our relationship was perfect. It was something that you would see in movies at least that’s how I remembered it. He was the sweetest guy that I knew at the time. I remember multiple times he would go out of his way to make me feel special. It caught me off guard sometimes, because I had never been treated in that way. We had a perfect Summer that year. I remember during our town festival he brought me to the center of it all in the middle of the street said something so sweet to me and kissed me right there. I fell in love with him hard after that.

I remember in our relationship we had some ups and downs just like any other one, but the unique thing about our relationship was whenever we would get into fights we would always say sorry to each other at the end of the day. I was not use to this from my relationship before this one. I could tell he really cared about me. He was also there for me a lot after my last relationship ended. He treated me amazingly the first year. The first year it felt like was living in a dream.

I remember before my sophomore year of college Allen and I walked a bike trail. It was amazing weather and day. The bike trail was always special to us, because whenever we were bored we would just walk it cold or hot we would walk the trail and talk. This time though is was a special walk. He took me to this secluded place within the area and confessed his love to me and gave me a promise ring. As soon as said his romantic speech and pulled out a ring I started crying like a little baby. All I wanted him to do was hold me as I told him I love you multiple times. That was one of the happiest moments of my life. So I got him back when he came and seen me on campus one weekend. I took him to this beautiful spot where it over looks the campus and tried to trick him with giving him a “gum wrapper” but really it was a promise ring I got him. I told him how much I loved him and he was so happy.

We would also talk about moving in with each other and all the gushy love stuff, because we were in love each other. We would spend hours on the phone with each other talking about taking our relationship to the next level. Allen and I even started exchanging house decorating ideas. We also even talked about having kids of our own in the future. We were so committed to each other and our future.

After sometime had gone by he started to change. He started to become more jealous and controlling. He was so jealous to the point that I could hardly go out and hang with my friends and he was so controlling now that I would have to ask him if I can cut or dye my hair. The real change with him started to happen when he went to college. Our colleges were close to each other so he would come and visit me every other weekend. When he would visit me and we would be walking around my campus and a group of people would walk by he would just stand there and shit talk about them. This was not the Allen I knew. I told him to stop being an asshole and leave them alone before you get your own ass kicked. He didn’t listen…..

I’m not saying Allen was a bad person at all in the beginning of our relationship and even when we were friends, but he just slowly changed and I didn’t know why..

The last few months of our relationship just seemed off… and after a year and nine months Allen and I broke up. Not sure if it was for the worse or the better. We broke up in a way that just didn’t feel right…

The way Allen and I ended I wouldn’t even want to wish that on my worst enemy. It ended with us literally sobbing on the phone with each other, it was awful. The way we ended I really don’t want to talk about it, because there is nothing I can really say. Even though Allen and I were best friends before dating I might not ever get to see him again. It doesn’t just feel like losing someone you love, but losing someone who was once your best friend. Sometimes people can just wake up the next morning and not be in love with you. I have struggled deeply with this concept everyday after that and it haunts me… It’s something that has permanently scarred me and the future of other relationships. I still think about everything to this day, but maybe I was suppose to go through this to make me learn that in life the only constant is change.